Guilty Grievers (1998)

It is Springtime

You are four months dead

Our Son is doing better

He misses you

And takes it out on everyone who loves him.

Your mother drinks

To drown the image of your charred body from her memory.

Surely she remembers the years

She taught you so eloquently to hate her

To fear women

Yet need them so desperately to be what she never was.

Surely she blames herself.

It is Springtime

You are four months dead

This was the time of years you like to make love outdoors

You reached and I gave

But it was never enough

It is Springtime

And I have guilt of my own

I miss you, my Love

 

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Drink Me

Crickets sing a lonely ballad

I’m suffocating under cotton sheets

Going under for one last breath

Every time I inhale

 

Heavy is the heart who’s mother’s eyes are dilated

Weary is the soul who’s daughter has no home

 

For 44 years I’ve wandered this wasteland

Giving birth while husbands die

Breastfeeding monsters with angel eyes

and demon wings that rustle

 

I loved your tragic orphan story

I was falling in love FINALLY!

That is tragedy in itself

Yet

I am my own God

and I forgive my own wicked and silly deeds

Thus any tragedy incurred will not matter

When it’s all over

When my wanderings are laid to rest

And I can sleep the sleep of Magdaline

Of Eve…

 

Until then

The child in me takes joy in Fret

And the woman in me lusts after your English skin

And the fool in me waits for days

hour by torturous hour

for my phone to let me know

You’ve finally written.

To have you look at me with Damaged eyes

That know only love

For the woman that left.

 

The truth in that

Shatters against the wall of my heart

Slicing it to pieces.

I only half mind

For picking it all up

Will give me something to do

With all these unwanted days

That are so stale and tasteless since you vanished

 

Good God I’d love a swig of that “Drink Me” bottle right now

Shrink down into the size of an Atom

And build myself up again

Into an even stronger woman

Who never wanted nor needed

Anything from you

 

 

Been a long time…

I have not been on this site in a long time. It seems I’ve lived an entire lifetime since I last posted.

I had a bit of a nervous breakdown with mom being there with me.

I packed whatever I could get into my Nissan cube and I just left.

I tired starting my business up in the next county over but mom found out where I lived so I moved again.

That’s not the only reason but it’s one of many.

I have been living with some friends, renting a room and grooming in the garage.

I miss privacy

I miss being naked

I miss red bean buns

I miss my life

I do have a nice friend whom I see very regularly now. Didn’t think I’d ever date on a regular basis again and he’s BLONDE with BLUE eyes, if you can believe that.

I’ve got 6 months to save up to get us a place. It’s rained non stop in Georgia. Every day it rains I loose three hundred dollars. Cold hard truth. I have not paid a car payment in two months but the insurance and everything else is up to date. I am short on money. So very very short. But I am away from that crazy pill popping mother of mine even though I had to pretty much run for my life.

My sister is having her labor induced Sunday and mom will be there. I am too much of a coward to go up there. Or I am too wise. Either way,  I stay off facebook and it’s been quite a relief, not being at my family’s beck and call when it comes to mother. I gave her the better part of my life. I have done enough.

Its time for me to focus on MY daughter now and making sure she does not end up like mom. She needs my focus and support and a healthy place to live. I don’t know where that will be yet but I have faith something will come together. I get up every day, I wash my face and get dressed, and I go to work. That’s all a woman can do.

MY CHRISTIAN MONSTROCITY

Smoke invades the lungs so deep

The Blackened Killing

Of a Gift given conditionally

A backslide, if you will,

One of many I’m too ashamed to reveal.

Smoke invades the lungs so smooth

As I remember how you entered me unprotected

My chest shudders

I know not why I play the fool, the silly girl

Sacrifices for the sake of chasing love never to be found

Smoke invades the lungs so white

As I scream up into the black sky

Why does living have to be so God Damned Hard

Playing by the rules so impossible

Standards set by the sinless one

The only one who knows how to love me back.

I blow rings through his nail holes

And hide behind the Cross

Shivering in shame

Mcarthur Park Bad Girls

When I was 8 I heard a two songs that made me pitch a fit for my first album.

One made me feel powerful and one broke my heart, but I didn’t know why.

I’d listen to the album over and over and sing my little heart out.

The songs pulled from me emotions that I knew were to someday come and I was frightened yet intrigued by the pain that was in store.

Life warns us about stuff, ever realize that?

After Ed there was Prison

For 9 years I had more cold sex than love.

For 9 years love turned on it’s heels and ran for the border.

I don’t Pity Party. Trust Me, I made do.

I even had some truly remarkable romances that made me think I had love

But what can really replace love?

Can Sex? Power? Money?

I don’t know. I can’t remember anymore.

I’ve fought the real stuff for so long, keeping it in my Box with Ed’s hair and memories.

I miss that Rat-a-tat-tat at my heart’s door

And I’m freaked…really freaked that I may not be able to answer should it happen

Because Ed won’t let me.

I know this. He was my love, but He is dead, and that box has done me more harm than good.

His spirit has not cared who I fucked as long as my heart was in the box with his hair.

But I put it back in my chest recently

I let a man come over this week and kept my hair down trying to drown out Eds whispers

I love you I love you damnit Hello Hello

I cooked for him

And Ed raged

I kissed him

And Ed bled

“Someone left the cake out in the rain. I don’t think that I can take it, cause it took so long to bake it, and I’ll never have that recipe again.”

I’ll never have that recipe again

VIRGO

The Virgo with the brown hair that swings

Has arms large enough to wrap around me.

Straddling both sides of the fence, he says,

Is a good place to be.

He’s been there, and knows.

“Beware! Beware!” warns the wasp

“Those Virgo Men get you everytime!”

The feminine Virgo considers the advice

Tilting her swollen heart sideways and putting it back

Into the Titanium box.

“I’m sure you’re right” she says

“I’m sure I’d be a fool

Those Virgos ARE a weakness.

Ask the Dragon,

If you can”