I have had a continuous weight gain over the past two years. Once I stopped making as much money I stopped eating as healthy. When I moved in with others I seemed to cook less because I don’t like to go downstairs when other people are there. I’ve always been a loner and it grows worse as I get older. I binge eat when I am stuffing down feelings and thoughts I’d rather not have. Unhealthy packaged foods are unfortunately the thing I reach for when I self sabotage this way. I stopped dating about a year ago because I don’t want anyone to see me naked. The food was more comforting than other people’s presence. Sad truth. It’s a truth I am just realizing.
I’ve told myself that I don’t care what I look like. I have told myself that I am 45 years old now and that I’ve had such a full life, I seriously could never date or love again and still say I lead a fuller life than most. I say these things to myself while eating a bowl of ice cream with maple syrup on it, staring into the TV watching my latest K Drama.
I fell a few weeks ago. I landed hard on my knees and I am having a hard time recovering. I am so heavy my knees are screaming at me to do something about my weight. I realize I cant breathe as well either. I decided to try to weigh myself somewhere and was pretty horrified to see how heavy I’d gotten. I knew it felt like I was huge, my clothes were bigger, but I wasn’t even aware I’d gotten so massive. Have I been depressed? Have I just been apathetic? Why did I stop caring?
I hate pain so it’s time to do something about it. I seriously detest where I live and the kitchen and fridge where I live, I NEVER cook at home. It sounds like a crazy reason to move, but I’ve moved for reasons less than this.
I look through the classifieds for a job so I can make more money in order to move. Because of the condition I am in and the choices I have made in my life I am not qualified for anything but what I do already, and that is dog grooming. My fingers have grown so fat and my joints so achy I am not as good at that anymore.
I have put all these things on the back burner month after month as I eat junk food and watch my dramas. I have woken out of my daze to find myself a few hundred dollars negative in the bank, my car insurance canceled, living in a place that I left once already because I dont feel comfortable there, and fat as FUCK.
I’m up to 250 lbs and in a 20 jeans. It hurts to sit down and it hurts to get up. I’ve procrastinated long enough. Seriously. I am doing something about this. Because I only have one shelf on a fridge and one shelf in a cabinet it is hard for me to have fresh food daily, but I am going to have to make some serious adjustments.
Come with me on my journey to reclaim my health through one of my favorite things to do, one of the things I have left behind in my apathetic haze….cooking.
I am hoping that if I post a daily or every other day I will have someone or something other than myself to be accountable for.
Even now, I could care less if I ever found love or ever went on another date for as long as I live. But I’ll be damned if I will groan and heave for breath going up 10 steps at 45 years old. At this rate I’ll be in a wheel chair in a few years. I don’t know what’s been wrong with me, but it’s time to put on my big girl pants and throw away the ice cream.