Diet Epic Fails don’t mean complete failure

Yesterday morning I woke up with the ‘My Diet Coach’ app reminder on my phone that I want to loose 90 pounds so that I may extend my life. It’s a cute little app. I appreciate the daily morning reminders so I can get my day started off right. I actually like seeing I will die sooner if I dont eat right today.

After taking my daughter to school yesterday I came back to the house I am dog sitting at and looked through the cabinet.  I was very hungry and my teenager had plowed through what little of OUR food I brought with us. I decided on a peanut butter sandwich. In the middle of eating this white bread and grape jelly no no I remembered I am on a diet. I chose to finish the sandwich with numerous bullshit excuses of why I should. It would be funny if it were not so funny.

I did very well with the rest of the day, drank water and herbal tea, had an apple for lunch and tried to not eat anything else because it was all pre-packaged off limits type things. I knew I’d make a kick ass dinner when I finally got home…and that’s exactly what I did.

I abhor cooking where I live, for reasons I mentioned yesterday. I have no choice right now so despite complaints from room mates about the smell of my food (they dont eat meat or seafood) and someone coming and turning on the fan in the kitchen to get rid of the supposed reeking smell,  I finished with an incredible dinner of Japchae and sides of garlic and green onion Baby Bok Choy and Kimchi .

I will be moving as soon as I possibly can find a suitable place for my daughter and me. When we move I will try my best to go to a place where there are no other people to share a house with. I understand the smell of Korean food can be off-putting if someone is not used to it. I also know that with my fermenting this or that, it’s always going to be an issue unless I got an Asian room mate. That’s not likely in this area, so it may be a while before we can go.

I greatly look forward to the day I have my own kitchen again. I actually like my room mates pretty well. We all get along and the home is purposefully decorated Retro Glam which is adorable. I have a very strong independent and dominant side of me so when someone changes out lids on my pots while I am cooking or moves my kitchenware from one cabinet to another because it didnt “belong” there or throws away my wilting produce because it was ‘going bad’ I have a hard time holding in my temper.

So far I have managed mostly because I have a teenage daughter in High School and I cant traipse about here and there right now.

Gotta get my own kitchen, man. LOL

This morning when I got home from taking my daughter to school I peeled and cubed a Kobocha Squash, soaked some sweet rice for an hour then pureed it and made Hobakjuk. What a smooth nutty delicious breakfast! I hope my daughter likes it, I will offer her some when she gets  home from school but for the most part, so far, she hates all Asian food unless it arrives in a white Chinese Takeout box. I should fool her sometime and pack my food in it and say I had it delivered! My sons love my cooking. My daughter, on the otherhand, had a sweet tooth and a carb habbit she’s developed. I tell myself you can lead a horse to a trough of Hobakjuk, but you cant make him slurp. Ha. Bad joke.

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A Fat Girls Procrastination

I have had a continuous weight gain over the past two years. Once I stopped making as much money I stopped eating as healthy. When I moved in with others I seemed to cook less because I don’t like to go downstairs when other people are there. I’ve always been a loner and it grows worse as I get older. I binge eat when I am stuffing down feelings and thoughts I’d rather not have. Unhealthy packaged foods are unfortunately the thing I reach for when I self sabotage this way. I stopped dating about a year ago because I don’t want anyone to see me naked. The food was more comforting than other people’s presence. Sad truth. It’s a truth I am just realizing.

I’ve told myself that I don’t care what I look like. I have told myself that I am 45 years old now and that I’ve had such a full life, I seriously could never date or love again and still say I lead a fuller life than most. I say these things to myself while eating a bowl of ice cream with maple syrup on it, staring into the TV watching my latest K Drama.

I fell a few weeks ago. I landed hard on my knees and I am having a hard time recovering. I am so heavy my knees are screaming at me to do something about my weight. I realize I cant breathe as well either. I decided to try to weigh myself somewhere and was pretty horrified to see how heavy I’d gotten. I knew it felt like I was huge, my clothes were bigger, but I wasn’t even aware I’d gotten so massive. Have I been depressed? Have I just been apathetic? Why did I stop caring?

I hate pain so it’s time to do something about it.  I seriously detest where I live and the kitchen and fridge where I live, I NEVER cook at home.  It sounds like a crazy reason to move, but I’ve moved for reasons less than this.

I look through the classifieds for a job so I can make more money in order to move. Because of the condition I am in and the choices I have made in my life I am not qualified for anything but what I do already, and that is dog grooming. My fingers have grown so fat and my joints so achy I am not as good at that anymore.

I have put all these things on the back burner month after month as I eat junk food and watch my dramas. I have woken out of my daze to find myself a few hundred dollars negative in the bank, my car insurance canceled, living in a place that I left once already because I dont feel comfortable there, and fat as FUCK.

I’m up to 250 lbs and in a 20 jeans. It hurts to sit down and it hurts to get up. I’ve procrastinated long enough. Seriously. I am doing something about this. Because I only have one shelf on a fridge and one shelf in a cabinet it is hard for me to have fresh food daily, but I am going to have to make some serious adjustments.

Come with me on my journey to reclaim my health through one of my favorite things to do, one of the things I have left behind in my apathetic haze….cooking.

I am hoping that if I post a daily or every other day I will have someone or something other than myself to be accountable for.

Even now, I could care less if I ever found love or ever went on another date for as long as I live. But I’ll be damned if I will groan and heave for breath going up 10 steps at 45 years old. At this rate I’ll be in a wheel chair in a few years. I don’t know what’s been wrong with me, but it’s time to put on my big girl pants and throw away the ice cream.