I have awoken today to put my big girl pants on.
I have to get off this floor of self pity and prepare for my trip.
I am driving to California!
I have prepared a list of things to do before my trip and although my current “Breakup” (If one could call it that) delayed me a few days, I am back on track and ready to metaphorically “Hit the Trail”
Frankly, getting in the car and driving clear across this country is exactly what I need to get over the shame of falling for someone online. I was victim of a scam…but he did not take anything from me. So I am not sure how I was scammed other than for a while there, he had my full on attention, my every other thought, and I’d begun wrapping my future around being with him. And that’s ok! He pretended to be just as sadistic and twisted as I was, but in a gentlemanly fashion, all neat and tidy in a suit. Everything I ever wanted in a man, in a partner, in a love. A Deadpool, a Joker, a Gentleman. All in one. I realized through my therapeutic writing that it’s a beautiful thing that I was able to find love again. Whether the recipient of the love accepted the gift is not even what’s important. I was capable of pulling away from Ed and devoting a future to another man, a Dominant at that, something I would NEVER allow myself to do before. So Score a point for Candy Charlene! Yay! I will always be thankful to this man for helping me achieve that in this lifetime. It seems as though he must have been married and just having a good time fantasizing about having another life and were that the case, I am honored he chose to spend all that time on courting me and not even asking for a nude photo. It’s possible he was a romance scammer but chose to not move forward with it because I had no money. If that were the case, I am thankful for our time together because he knew from the first day I had no money yet he chose to continue to be there, for whatever reason.
I became a full on cyber stalker for about two days, trying to figure out if his account was deleted or if he just blocked me. It looks as though he deleted his account all together. I forgot all about my trip to California as I searched for him in every way I could, other than calling his places of employment. I am not that low. If the man is married I dont want to interfere in the children’s lives. I finally had to realize what was happening to me, gathered some fucking dignity, and stopped. Fuck it. It doesnt matter now if I locate him. He does not want to be found so why am I trying? I know why. It’s because it was as though he died and I cant accept an ending with no closure. When people break up it’s usually because there is dysfunction and discord. We had plenty of dysfunction, but no discord. It was pretty spot on right on up till the last message he sent, saying he was flying home and his eyes hurt from being exhausted. That he’d spend one day recovering and the following day doing what needed to be done for us to be together. Do I sound pathetic enough yet? ROFL.
Life is no fucking fairy tail. A woman who has lived the life I have lived should have known that there are no prince charmings, no happy endings. Just the life we carve out for ourselves. With that being said, I regret to inform you I am still quite smitten with the memory of him and will continue to write it all out in poetry until I have purged him from my system. Lets all fucking hope it does not take as long as it did the last time I fell in love (I’m still not over Ed so if that’s any indication of how hopeless this seems….yeah)
Although I am quite pathetic in my love department, I am a fucking rock star when it comes to self sufficiency on a budget so I am heading out today to get my raggedy ass car as road ready as it can possibly be and cross all fingers and toes it makes it to sunny cali. My friend is horrified I may break down in the desert part where there is no cell reception, in August, and die on the side of the road. ROFL. To soothe her fears I am going to check out options with my cell carrier. I am sure there must be some way to buy a roaming card.
I am going today to get tires, a new battery, a new air filter, new windshield wipers, an oil change, a chassis lube and if I have time, a tune up. Walmart does all of the above with the exception of the tune up, that’s why I may have to skip the tune up and have it done on the way.
I have to pick up a jump start box, a power supply to charge my phone in case of an emergency, extra motor oil (because mine burns it off and I have to add about a quart a week already as it is) Go to my phone carrier and find out if I can add roaming so I will have service while driving through the desert. Get a few flats of water, and wash up my laundry.
I purged and have three bags of clothes, shoes and makeup I am donating because they are not part of my essentials. I do this once a year, as I have mentioned before, I am a minimalist. I dont have room for to much stuff. I like new stuff though, so if I buy more, I give the old one away. After my errands today I am meeting friends for lunch and at 3 pm I have a job grooming a dog. I have about another $300 coming to me this week from appointments. I hope to get more. I need enough money to get on a bus should my car break down.
I don’t know why I am moving across country. It has made no sense from the beginning. I have clients here. I can scratch out a living here if I stick with room mates. Every time I return to Georgia I regret it. Yes, there is money for me here but money does not bring me happiness. I dont know if anything ever will. I thought being with a fellow Sadist who I was falling in love with was the key
and clearly I was wrong.
My friend Lisa is waiting on me with a position in her at home grooming shop and a room to shack up in until I get settled in CA. She’d rather me never leave. I am a private person so I will most likely look to move to my own place as soon as possible. I hope it all works out. I am nervous moving that far away, but I cant not. I have to go. Its an odd addiction, Wanderlust. I cant not go. I even WANT to stop myself, but I cant. I have to.
All my little playthings here are begging, all my lady friends pleading. Why Why Why dont go! Why are you going? Why? and my answer is….fuck. I dont know why. But I cant stay. I feel bad for leaving them, but really, their lives will be no better or worse for wear when I leave the state. They just think it will be. People are friend collectors. Perhaps my ability to walk so easily away from them every two years is my reason I am being punished now. I had a man wanting to move me and my baby girl in with him and make us part of his life. He wrote the plan out in detail the day before he left me for good, vanishing without saying a word. Just poof. Gone. Like I do eveyone who loves me. But the difference between him and me is I tell them I am going.
I will honor him in my heart. Put him in the titanium box and kiss the lid.
You did not love me back, dude, but I got this.
Watch me succeed
With or without you
I chose the video Blood by In this moment because of the imagary that matches and celebrates the dysfunctional perfection of what we had. She is a crown wearing Queen with subjects at her heels, pleading up at her, pulling on her, she ignores him, in private she is a sniveling mess, crying for him. She is the Queen of Blood, and he is her King. She says she hates him for all the good he done and loves him for all the bad he done. And isnt that the way of woman? When they hurt us, we will love them forever.