BEING A COUGAR

The older I get the more I am approached by men under 30. What’s up with that? I don’t mean occasionally either, I mean almost every time I leave the house and daily on my social media.

I tried the cougar thing this past year. I thought I could get out some pent up depression by fucking it away. My daughter had been admitted to a residential facility and the quiet of the house was deafening. I was so depressed and full of angst. I just wanted something to make me not think so I wouldnt resort to drinking. I didn’t realize the serial dating was just as self harming as drinking. I just wanted a quick fix, and being 42 and half ass cute on ok cupid is a quick fix.  So I created a profile. It didn’t turn out as expected. 95% of the responders were from 18 to 29. At first this was a thrill. Every single one of them were so hot and the type that wouldn’t look my way when I was younger. Now here I am in my 40’s and they are literally vying for my attention. I picked a few who were college educated and seemed half ass worth the time. The young men became attached and needy, something I had no energy for. I can not plan a future with someone 20 years my junior. They each thought they wanted to be with me forever but 5 years from now I will look like their grandmother. They cant grasp that concept. I’d stop seeing one for this reason and the next would have the same issues. Mommy issues, I come to find out.

I’ve had to explain what those blue streaks on my legs were. (Broken veins)

I’ve had to explain why I can’t wrestle over 10 minutes. It freaking hurts. I hurt for days after. My body is 20 years older than you dude, wait until you are this age and I hope you remember how you teased me.

I’ve had to explain why when I’m on top for over 20 minutes I can’t just hop up because my knees won’t let me.

I find myself lecturing them like a mother and receiving crazy looks like my boys give me and it creeps me out. “You walked off a job without having another lined up and now you can’t find work. Look in the mirror at who’s to blame.” I’ll say. Or, ” Uber is hiring drivers.” and hearing from them that it’s just not their thing. What’s not your thing? Having to rely on yourself instead of your parents to pay your car payment? I can’t relate to today’s young adult mentality. You work where you have to work until you find something you want to do. You should stop receiving money from your parents the day you move out of their house. You should not drink energy drinks. You should not be eating that fast food it’s draining your IQ. Use a damn wash cloth when you bathe your skin needs exfoliation. Brush your teeth before you go to bed for god’s sake. Your legs are ashy put some lotion on. No you can not have one of my cigarettes they are bad for you. Do you want to wake up hacking like I do?  You are not 21 yet no I will not buy you beer. In fact, you are not old enough to drink. Why are you even in my bed? Get up. This is crazy. HAVE YOUR BABY? Are you out of your mind?

I lecture all the time. And the more I lecture, the more they love it. The more they text me, need me, want to see me, want to hear my voice. It’s crazy and it’s creepy. One started calling me Mom on his text messages. Screw that! I’ve indulged all kinds of fetishes in my day, and incest never was nor ever will be one of them. I never seen him again after that. And he was the one who broke me of my Cougar ways. I woke up the week after my 43 birthday this past September and was filled with immense shame. I immediately broke it off with the guy who was supposed to be a one night stand but ended up being (LITERALLY) an every day thing for two months. I told him to come get his toothbrush and his Playstation Games. He refused and said I’d change my mind. I didn’t.

It’s fun to hang out, roll in the hay, and play video games afterwards, but then I am ready for them to leave. Just go home honey. I want to take my makeup and the persona off. I want to kick back and read a book that will probably be far above your head and my inability to have a conversation with you about it will make me never want to see you naked again. So just go. I need a man in my life. A mature man who knows what overtime is. A man who every blue moon is too tired to fuck and just wants me to kiss him all over and rub warm oil on his aging bones.  A man who has a past to share with me.

This week every single guy I dated during the cougar year has contacted me wanting to see me. Christmas must have brought out something in them. I guess boys want to be with their mothers during the holidays.

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