This should have been broke down into like 3 blogs but it just flowed out so fast, so take it like it is. LOL

I love Red Bean Buns almost as much as I love living alone.

I had an epiphany this morning as I caught myself dancing naked in the kitchen at 5 am SINGING “I saw the sign” holding up a plate of three little red bean buns in my hand. I’d just crawled out of bed, the dogs woke me up to let them out to pee. Habitually when I wake up every day I drag naked ass to the kitchen to put on the tea kettle and the rice cooker.

I don’t let myself think about those buns in the freezer for the most part. They can be expensive to be so little. I reserve them for a day that I honestly know I wont eat enough rice to waste cooking it. I have myself on a budget of no more than 350 dollars TOTAL for all groceries a month. That includes feeding my son as often as he comes by with his to go bowl and making about 8lbs Kimchi a month. OMG I’m always digressing. Sorry…

I put on the kettle, ran and let the dogs out before their insanely annoying barking pisses the neighbor off and he starts playing that music that has Nigga literally every fourth word, and I bounced happily back to the kitchen to start my kitchen piddling. I don’t even own dogs, but I’m always keeping one or two here for someone. I’m usually paid for it but it doesn’t cover the pain in my ass. Who the fuck wants to be up at 5 am on a vacation day. Ugh! I am angry at the dogs for waking me up three hours after I had laid down, but I decide to give them crisp pork skin that had browned up on the side of the slow cooker. I give them the little treat and go back to the kitchen. Their waking me up has given me an excuse to make RED BEAN BUNS. Da Da DAAAAAA!  I don’t want to wash rice and cook too much food. It’s my last day to recover before having to go back to work tomorrow.

The way I live breaks my mother’s heart. No one but my sister would get the gravity of that statement. Not much penetrates through the fog of my mother’s conscienceless to attempt to bother her. My sister just doesn’t visit because there’s not enough room for all of her children to stand or sit. The few clients uppity enough to have the balls to say something asked “WHY on God’s earth are you living HERE?” In three years I went from having TWO homes, a commercial location for my business, 12 acres with a lake and a two-story 5 bedroom home with a finished basement, a library, a game room complete with pool table and foosball. Dirt Bike and Horseback Riding Trail. Shall I go on? I worked from 7 am to about 7pm 7 days a week grooming and doing occasional Domina work until I would have a nervous breakdown, cancel my entire week and take my daughter off and spend thousands of dollars on her trying to make up for the fact that I am never available to just sit and listen to her one on one. I raised my children well in the end. They’ve had everything and they’ve had nothing and they, like I, realized that material possessions can blind us. The boys live frugally like I do and use their money to have enriching experiences instead of buying happiness.

Through Reiki I learned that having everything I could ever want gave me nothing.

My Reiki Master actually taught me nothing about how to live or what to do. He taught me Reiki, no more no less. Once you are attuned to Reiki, what your higher self needs to experience existence at its fullest will manifest itself into your life and you can accept it or reject it. It depends on how brave you are to take on yourself and the worlds perception of you. My best friend’s son-in-law did a Reiki treatment on my daughter at a pool party. She’d fractured it at school and it was bothering her. I wont bother to go too deeply into Reiki  in this post. I rarely cast my pearls before swine. Those of you who feel a spark by reading the words” Reiki changed my life”  can Wikipedia it and follow the yellow brick road, because that’s exactly what I did.

My life changed the day I was first attuned but it took about a month for the shit to hit the fan in order for my life to change the way I needed it to. This is called “The Healing Crisis”. I woke up one day, looked at the man I’d lived with for 6 years but never slept with and didn’t love, and said “I”m leaving” There wasn’t much he could do. I’d told him from day one I couldn’t love him. He lost his job and just never bothered to get another one because I made so much money. I didn’t respect him, I didn’t need all this stuff anymore, so I drove away in a small uhaul and gave it all to him. My daughter missed her motorcycle but that’s it. She had me.  All of a sudden all this material stuff became visible to me for what it was. A distraction from living. I’d lived out of a locker with no possessions for 9 years in Prison. When I got out I was hell-bent to buy happiness. If I wanted something by God I worked and bought it. That’s how it should be. I just wanted stuff more than I wanted self. My kids experienced an obsessively clean mother who came home from work and yelled a lot because I was trying to pack parenting into 3 hours before bed. I am so thankful they forgive me. We have the best relationship now, all three of us, in very unique ways. They are all so spiritual and intelligent. Now this is just me. I don’t care who you are or what you own or where you go and how you pad yourself from this existence to make it pleasurable. Do it dude. I like hanging out naked alone in a concrete block wall studio apartment burning incense and dancing naked in the kitchen because it’s red bean bun day.

It’s not all about being naked in the kitchen, I enjoy other things!

I love making Kimchi and cooking, writing, meditating, reading, drawing, walking around the streets with my boarding dogs, laughing at the looks on the people’s faces because I’m the only white woman in this neighborhood. I love grooming in whatever I feel like wearing that day because there’s no one to care, if I’m hot I’ll just groom with shorts and an apron and THATS ALL. My son keeps my car because unless I am driving to do the weekly mobile pet pick up or my once a month grocery shopping, I don’t go anywhere. Playing the occasional X box game with my kid, and being immediately available to them should they want to be here with me is important to me.  EXPERIENCING their energetic coming and going and LISTENING whenever they have anything to say is a gift. My youngest son and I watched the Spirit Science video series together and it was a beautiful experience. I literally only have $1,100. In living expenses before groceries, gas, cigarettes, sake, incense, and laundry. I easily spend under 1500 a month. Pure Bliss. I can fracture ribs and take a week off work and not worry about bills. I just ate leftover soup, rice, and Kimchi all week. How could I expect anyone to put up with that? People are such fucking cry babies. Last week a former submissive of mine was in town and wanted to visit with me. I warned her like 100 times that I am a different person from the one she last spent time with . She didn’t take me seriously I guess.  She literally ate NOTHING and drank only water the entire 24 hours she was here. She gagged every time I opened my Kimchi lock and lock container. She brought a bag for a week and left the next day starving to death and bored out of her mind. Bye Now! C U LTR. ROFLMAO People. I tell you. (Love you honey! We’ll work on that weak stomach of yours)

My three kids (25, 23, and 14) are my best friends.  My only real friends. The only ones I welcome wholeheartedly into my sacred space. My non blood related friends have slowly fallen by the wayside. When one no longer makes 400 dollars a day it is surprising how people suddenly have so much to do and are too busy to be bothered. I read who is dying and having a baby on Facebook. I couldn’t be happier for them. No, really. I don’t want anyone here anyway until I meet mister right, which is a long shot. I don’t like speaking that often. I find it difficult to take words from my mind and have them exit my mouth. I guess I’ve worked with dogs too much or I’ve meditated too much. My friends and sex partners when I have one get uncomfortable with my silences. When I am rambling like an idiot is one should worry. That means I am anxious around them, or I’ve crawled out of my hole and need to say everything very quickly because I want to get back home.

Sex and Marriage I have extremely strong sexual needs but can go months without it by meditating. When meditation isn’t working and I need a human, OK cupid and Fetlife did it for a while. I spent a little over a year with a very bad man trying to make it work because I needed so badly to have someone to take care of.  Turns out he was a drug addict so I, not liking to cast pearls before swine, up and left, leaving house and possessions behind. No regrets. After a few months of recovery I was so horny I resorted to online hookups.  I stopped all that serial dating back in September. I am so blissfully alone, and yet now I have had the desire to be married again. It is a shame I came to this realization at my age. I’m in no hurry to meet any particular person because it has to be the RIGHT one. I learned from the last relationship that just anyone who will have me is not deserving of me. The one I will into my existence will be recognized when I see him. .. or her.

I may be quite pretty for my age but I may be single forever. I just may never meet the right one because My standards are so hypocritically high in regards to education, intelligence, personal cleanliness, communication and vocabulary. He has to be a whiz AND put up with my weird sexual appetite AND give me Tantra AND accept that I sleep on the floor and eat fermented cabbage AND nothing I watch on television is in English. AND even though I’ve lost a ton of weight I have all this weird skin that doesn’t know where to go. I’m still one hot 43-year-old though, lol. Oh, and did I mention my colorful past? I bet he’d just love to introduce me to his family. Sigh. If I get caught up in something amazing like the book I’m into “The Subtle Body” I may go a week without cleaning or doing dishes or laundry. I would NEVER Do this if I had a husband to take care of, but I let things go when living alone.  Who would date me walking into this little messy cell of a house? When I was married and when my kids were home I kept a spotless house. Food was on the table like clockwork, clothes pressed, hung, bathrooms gleaming. I even did this for the man I did NOT love whom I lived with for 6 years. I’d work all day and still do laundry and clean. It’s in my nature. Who do I have to do that for now? I have better things to do since there is no one here but me to pamper. There are slaves lined up at the door wanting to clean for me. I once was totally willing but for some reason lately I am weird about letting people into my sacred space.

I expect an intelligent husband but am not secure in offering him the most intelligent wife. I have vast knowledge about concentrated subjects and zero knowledge about most things. LOL.  My once 140 IQ took a nosedive for some reason. The older I get the more I forget. I had quite a few head injuries in Prison, to put it mildly, so perhaps that’s it or perhaps it’s genetic. I quit school and ran away from home at 15 and started working at McDonald’s and got an apartment. I lived with Ed, my husband, there, until we got married and he went into the navy and I went home to moms. I was self-educated until I got locked up, where I got my GED and got into college when they still paid for that in GA. We actually were allowed to go to college provided we had proper security status. I majored in Physics in college and I’ve forgotten about 80% of it. So I have higher education and don’t even know much of the basics that Americans learn in high school. I learned what I needed to get by and studied what made me happy. I read a lot. I am an eternal scholar. I regret quitting school but I did what I had to do to survive childhood. So there’s that.

What do I have to offer someone? No one believes in or even desires traditional marriage with designated gender roles anymore. I may have a modern take on my sexuality but I am an old-fashioned traditionalist when it comes to marriage. To say all I have to offer a man is to be his housewife and sex slave (giggle, likely the other way around with the sex slave part)  is not offering much. But I have not given up hope. He will find me when the time is right. He will overlook the mess of this house and actually believe me when I tell him that I would never ever keep a marital home in this state of Candace Chaos. I will be God’s gift to him and he will know it. If it doesn’t happen, I’m actually cool with that…but I miss sex and hope he’s out there somewhere for God’s sake. LOL

Hookup sex just isn’t enough anymore. I used to pour through sex partners like tea in a Geisha house looking for someone on whom I can connect on a spiritual and energetic level while making love. I gave up, people. Fuck it. I just stopped dating. For some reason only guys in their 20’s ask me out. They only want one thing, and I wouldn’t marry a kid anyway. Xhamster and sites like that is probably why men don’t have it in them to desire to connect. I hope there is a man out there that is over 40, who meets all my requirements or at least most of them, and sees in me the diamond that I am. I was once coal, and now due to time and pressure I am a diamond. I will make an amazing wife if given someone deserving of my respect. I want to be married but when I do it this time it will be for life and I want and need someone whom I can respect enough to hand my life and body over to them with full trust. A dominatrix laying down her flogger for an apron is a powerful sacrifice, but one I am so willing and desire to take.

Until then, I have red bean buns, my computer, my kids, my wonderful messy little apartment, and grooming. I could have more. So much more. I could be financially where I was before in 6 months because I am good at grooming and I am a good actress and Domina work comes naturally to me. I don’t want all that. I choose to be here. I am happy, so in my 1,500 budget I can say I think I live larger than most because I am free.



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