I havn’t given up hope that there’s someone out there whom I can respect enough to give up my solitude. I adore being alone in my little house. I run around here naked or just with an apron on most of the time even when I’m cooking because I hate getting clothes dirty. I dont have laundry machines in my place. Then i realize I just like being naked. If someone came over I’d have to put clothes on because despite my incredible past, I am shy. Go figure.
I met an Indian man whom I thought to be very sincere in his attempts to get to know me. I don’t have many old pics of me on my POF profile, only current ones taken from this past summer till now. I messaged Mr. India for a while and finally we decided to meet for coffee. We agreed to exchange phone numbers so that we could be in contact on the day of meeting. When things went downhill due to work last week I let him know I needed to reschedule our coffee date. He said he heard my message on voicemail giving my grooming website and asked me if the pictures on my website were of me. I was surprised at such a question. I did not bother to tell him I’d lost a ton of weight and look a bit younger now than I did years ago. I didn’t bother to tell him they were pics that were over 5 years old for the most part. I just told him that yes, it was me. And I never heard from him again. The pic I have displayed here is about a year old and is the one he asked me about. This situation has shown me that people are visual creatures and no matter what, appearance seems to be everything. I find myself to be the lucky one. I happen to look better at 43 then I did at 39 and 40. Eventually time will take its toll on me and I will look like the above pic again, and worse. Why get into a relationship with someone who has such a problem with something as simple as aging? In fact…why bother getting into a relationship at all?
Despite my adoring my solitude there is a stronger drive in my heart and that is the drive to take care of someone I adore. The majority of my friends in the BDSM scene would take this to mean I’m switching from Domme to Sub. I don’t think that is the case. I just think that for whatever reason the Domme was born in me, those reasons have passed and I don’t need it anymore. I don’t want to be someone’s submissive necessarily. Certainly not in a masochistic sense…EVER. But I’ve always had such a caretaking nature. I simply adore taking care of someone I respect and love. Finding THAT is the hard part. I lived with a man I did not love for many years. The former client who asked me to move in with him after I got busted for Pro Domme work. I was always distant with him at best. The closest I ever felt to him was following a surgery he had due to diabetes. He had half of his foot removed and I had to help him do pretty much everything once we got home as he was healing, including cleansing and packing his wound. (Shudders at the grotesque memory of weaving bleach solution soaked gauze through holes in flesh with hemostats) For a few months, that was the closest thing to love I ever felt for him. I digress…
I have had a plenty of fish profile for a while now. I used to have an ok cupid profile, which has been deleted. I have not met the one yet. I only get on there every 6 to 8 weeks to check it and never find any thing other than the lame ass messages “What’s Up” or “Hey beautiful.” Always short ignorant one liners that indicate they did not read my profile. I admit sometimes on rare occasions someone will write me with a beautiful introduction, but he will live over an hour away…or in the case of Mr. India, he cares so much about how I look that he can’t see past it. Sigh. I put so much time into it and all they do is look at my picture. I guess I will stay naked in my kitchen forever.